Disclaimer: Listen, I take everyone's health seriously. I am making fun of this situation, because why shouldn't you make fun of your own situation, regardless of where you stand politically or in your opinion of the severity of this disease. I try really specifically to NOT be politically charged in anything to do with this blog. I make light of my life, and it's absurdity, regardless of the situation. So leave your judgeyness at the door. Thanks!
It's the second day of this homeschool adventure and things have already gotten ridiculous.
For the past 3 days, Calen has had a cough, a face full of congestion, and a lowish grade fever.
*Gasp!!!* You said the "F" word of 2020! Fever?!? Call the National Guard! Call the CDC! Fever alert!!!!!
Anyways.
As taboo as it is having a fever in 2020, it's apparently a national disaster when made public knowledge. I finally decided we needed to take Calen in to the doc, just to make sure it isn't strep, or the flu, not even remotely worried about the C Word (COVID) because unless he licked something at Walmart (and taking off his mask in so doing), his chances of catching it here are basically nonexistent.
So I called the doctor, and because he has the F Word, he had to go get a COVID test before even being allowed within 6 miles of the doctor's office (or something). I said "really?" and she said "Really." Okay then, so we drove across town to the drive-thru COVID testing center (Drive-Thru...like it's McDonald's or something). I texted Brad at work that Calen has a doc appt this afternoon, but has to get a COVID test and negative results first.
And that apparently was like pulling out the fatal brick in a Jenga game, because then Brad says "Well shit, I'll have to go home until he comes back negative. I can't be at work." And so I had to pick him up from work before I took Calen to the Drive-Thru.
So anyways, as we are sitting in the Drive-Thru waiting for our turn. Calen is watching (a little anxiously) at the people ahead of us in line getting their brains swabbed. He asks me "So, they can REALLY find out if I have COVID or not from inside my nose? Like my DNA is in there?"
I said "Yeah, well they can find out through your mucus. You know what mucus is right?"
Calen says "Uh...yeah...I have been picking it out of my nose my entire life!"
And then I lost what I was going to say, because of his hilarious snarky comment. Oh, 11 year olds.
So, Calen gets his brain swabbed ("the right nostril was fine but the left one was SO awful!!") and we drive home to finish school and await to see if we are "allowed" into the doctor's office or not. Meanwhile Calen's fever has magically disappeared, as it usually does once I finally decide to call the doctor. Is this some kind of Murphy's Law or something?
Calen's results come back....drumroll please.....NEGATIVE.
Good news for us, bad news for Brad who has to return to work like normal tomorrow. Ha.
We headed to Calen's doctor's appointment now that we had the all clear authorization. And then things got weird again.
First, the office door was locked, and you have to call to be allowed in. I've heard of this weirdness before, so I shrugged it off, and called the doctor's office. A guy answered, I told them we had an appointment at 5:30, and gave Calen's name and birth date. The guy says to me "Okay, I see he had a COVID test today, and it was negative." Yes, I said. Then he does a few "ummmmmmms" on the phone which left me slightly irritated, and then says "So, has anyone had a fever lately?"
...to which I said "...YES. That's why we are here. A fever."
And then he goes back to "ummmmm"ing, and I'm getting super annoyed, because if he'd just open the damn door that would be great. And then he says to me, again: "Has he had a recent COVID test?"
Imagine, if you will, eyeballs popping out of my head, while I try to remain patient (as I am not a naturally patient person), and keep my composure as I repeat, again, "Yes. Three hours ago. Negative. As you saw on his record."
Some more "ummmmmsssss", and then he says someone will come and open the door soon, but "we will have to take your guys' temperatures before you are allowed in." Which is ridiculous, because I'm bringing in my kid with a known active fever. But I said "okay, you do you."
Ten minutes later, someone finally comes out, whisks us into some sort of holding area, and whips out his forehead thermometer. And Calen, full of snark and excellent quips today, announces to the guy extremely matter of factly:
"You realize I have a fever, right?"
That's one of those moments where you wish you had a hidden camera recording, or something, to preserve that single moment of hilarious "kids say the darndest things at the exact right time" forever.
In the end, Calen did not have a fever at that moment, we were allowed in, and Calen got very chatty with his nurse practitioner (Which as I sat back and observed, I realized that give it about 3 years and he is going to be a LADIES man, the way he throws on the genuine charm. Yikes). Calen in fact has nothing significant going on, just a good head cold with a touch of viral infection, and should be good by next week.
What an odyssey just to go to the doctor, you guys.
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| We had to capture the insanity of the current times when we are sitting in the car waiting for our drive thru COVID test |
Endnote: I feel like I need to reiterate, as I said in the beginning, I take health, and the precautions they put in place, seriously. I may, or may not, agree with every rule in place in the world right now, but in the end, it is what it is, life is crazy right now, and we can either be super cranky stiffs about it, or laugh a little at the situation. I choose to laugh.
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