Day 120: And That's Why I Can't Take You Anywhere

Shopping with kids is a total effing drag. 

Actually, it's usually not that bad at all with my kids. They're relatively patient, refrain from many "I wants", and can now be used as slave labor helpers to get things in and out of the cart. 

Today, it was that bad. 

I had to go to Walmart (blegh) to get myself a new swimsuit (double blegh). I had to take the kids along, because summer. I figured it wouldn't be that bad of a trip. 

But what I didn't know, is that the kids snuck some Red Bull, or some cocaine, or something, and were not only more squirrely than usual but had a ridiculous case of the giggles inside the store. You know, where you tell them to knock it the heck off or I'm selling you off to that lady that just walked by sporting Betty Boop pajamas and slippers at 1pm with 9 kids in tow. But they just giggle and don't take you seriously. 

The problem was, this whole trip was setup for failure. 

As the three of us stand in the center of a jungle of women's swimming garments, my two immature, camo wearing boys gawk at the dainty tops and bottoms hung separately at their eye level. I already know what's about to happen, I can see it in their eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

"MOM....." No Calen. Stop talking. I don't even want to have this conversation we're about to have. Let's go to the boys section. Let's go to the Lego section. Let's go effing anywhere else. He points at a bikini top and I'm immediately at one of those Snickers' commercials in my head. Want to get away?? Yes, yes I do. Name your price. 

"Are these...BOOBS?!" And as I open my mouth about to think of some way to carefully explain what they are in the middle of a store, Calen takes both hands and squeezes the goddamn bikini tops, all while Camden is standing next to him giggling to himself "hahaha....you said BOOBS."

I stand there with my mouth open. Just what exactly am I supposed to say in the middle of Walmart. But before I can answer (and I'm pretty quick-witted), Camden holds up a bikini bottom. 

"Why is there underwear hanging everywhere?!" and then he and Calen both erupt up in laughter, because Cam said the word underwear, the #1 funniest word on the little boy vocabulary list. 

I tried to remain the serious shopper, throwing out obligatory "Boys, seriously. This is NOT that funny." But then I look down at them, and they're cracking up, and then I'm cracking up, because Calen keeps eyeballing the "boobs" and giggling, and Camden is still laughing about underwear, and they're both wrong but they think they're hilarious for being able to legitimately talk about undergarments. 

And that's why I can't take them anywhere. 

Surrounded by "boobs"

Hahahahaha....boobs.

Pin It