Boys Will Be Boys (And Mom Will Drink Wine)

Have you heard about the wine shortage? I actually didn't read about it or watch it or anything. All I heard was wine.gone.crisis. That pretty much is all you need to know about a wine shortage anyways, other than WHEN is it coming back?

Do you want to know a secret? I know where all the wine went. 

I consumed it. All of it. The entire nation's crop. In the last week. To keep me sane. 

Disclaimer: No, I really didn't. I wish I did though. I don't even like wine that much. Now if there was a shortage of RUM, you can turn your heads my way. 

Blah blah blah yes I know alcoholism is bad blah blah blah I hardly even drink so don't judge me blah blah blah you can sue me later. 

In reality, my kids have been serious humongous tough-to-swallow pills this week and I'm strongly considering booking a vacation for one somewhere tropical and remote. And never coming back until they promise to never be bad again.

Today took the cake (or the wine). 

Calen wakes up considerable earlier than the rest of the United States family. But (usually), he's really good about staying quiet in his room, "reading" his books, playing with cars, stalking people out the window or whatever it is he does in there until the rest of us ooze out of bed and we all go downstairs together. 

Until the last week or two, when apparently chilling in his room wasn't enough for Calen. And the next best thing aside from his room to hang out in (apparently) is the upstairs bathroom. 

It started with him completely emptying a brand new soap pump into the sink. And then when I refused to refill it (knowing what he would do), he took to using all my fancy Bath and Bodyworks lotion. All of it. Then another day he unraveled an entire half-roll of toilet paper into the toilet and yet another day he emptied an entire gallon jug of dog's flea bath into the sink. 

But today, today, he took it to a whole new level. I woke up, stumbled to the bathroom to find the children's cough and cold syrup bottle on the sink (where it was NOT the night before). And it was empty. 

I threw myself into Calen's room to find him sipping on a cup of something suspiciously purple, delicately like it was a martini or something. Apparently he had climbed the toilet, jumped onto the sink, reached up into the cabinet and somehow used his MAN HANDS to get the bottle open. I snatched it and attempted to get him to barf (which he wouldn't), so we immediately went downstairs and called Poison Control. 

This is my first time calling Poison Control. I really hope after this they don't start knowing me on a first-name basis. 

They said he didn't drink enough to go to the ER (shockingly), but that he was going to be groggy, loopy, extremely clumsy (like a drunk person) and very irritable. And they were right.

After a two hour zonk-fest where I had to check multiple times to see if he was still breathing, he finally came back downstairs to the land of the living but was a groggy cranky-pants the rest of the day. And then Brad came home and installed cabinet locks in the bathrooms.

And that's how the day went. 

Now can we fix this wine shortage?

This one has been my EASY child lately. And that's saying something.

       

   

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