I don't know why, but Brad and I thought we were brilliant and bought a cream colored couch. A month before Calen was born. Yeah we're pretty smart. But it was a good deal, it was comfortable, and it was pretty.
For a month.
Baby Calen was a spit-upper. Actually more accurately he was a projectile puker. He had
We bought this little beast of an upholstery steam cleaner when we first moved here. It's pretty much the most essential piece of mommy gear I have. The kids puke on it, pull it out and shampoo the cushion (our cushions aren't removable). The dog digs through the trash can outside and eats and entire bag of cocaine and comes flying into the house and leaps onto the couch with muddy paws, pull out the steam cleaner. It's small, it's cheap ($80), and it's HORRIFYING how much shit it gets out of your couch. I usually shampoo the couch every two months just for maintenance. Every time I dump out the dirty water, I'm nauseous at the black color of the water. Ummm is my ass seriously that dirty because I've done nothing to this couch but sit on it for the last two months!!
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| The #1 most essential piece of mommy equipment. And that glass is NOT full of the newest Green Monster recipe. That's from our couch. Ummm.....EWWW?? |
So as I'm cleaning my apparently filthy couch tonight, I'm wondering why the hell I haven't ever seen one of these little beauties on a baby registry before. Or why I never thought to put it on my own registry when I was pregnant. Then I started thinking about everything else that SHOULD be on a baby registry but never is.
I remember when Brad and I found out we were going to be first time parents. We were so excited...we also had no idea what the hell we were doing. We were a few months out from having baby Calen but we wanted to get some baby items. You know, following the In Case of New Baby Disaster Plan. We drove over to Target (back in Seattle when it was only 10 minutes away instead of an hour!), walked into the middle of the baby aisle. And froze. Our jaws dropped, and we stood there, mouths agape, staring at each other and the fifteen brands and styles of bottles, nipples, pacifiers and other items, not having a CLUE where to begin. We bought so much SHIT that we never ever used, but thought that we did because there it is in the baby aisle so it MUST be important. Most of which we ended up giving away within six months of having Calen. New parents are clueless. Some non-new parents are still clueless.
Here is some advice on either creating a baby registry or buying off a registry. Do NOT put clothes on your list. And if you're buying from someone, don't buy (only) clothes. (It's hard to not buy at least one cute adorable clothing item). Mama wants to buy clothes. Mama doesn't want to spend money on boring things. Buy her the boring things. She will be grateful! Also, here are some things that I believe need to be on every mommy's registry, but never is (but SHOULD BE):
1. Compact Steam Cleaner. Seriously. You've never seen so many bodily fluids in your life. You need a quick way to make it disappear forever.
2. Smelly candles/Febreeze spray/Scentsy Warmers. An essential accessory to the above steam cleaner. Bodily fluids smell. Scents make terrible odors quickly go away.
3. Wine. Or hard liquor. She'll need it. AFTER the baby is born. Obviously.
4. Diapers. It was my favorite gift in both showers. That's the lame stuff you hate spending money on! Mamas love buying new outfits. they hate buying diapers.
5. Gift Certificates to mommy's favorite clothing store. Because she won't/doesn't think of/can't afford to buy her own clothes for the next 18 years. And you don't want to see that same tshirt she's wearing today 18 years from now. Yikes.
6. Gift Certificates to restaurants, or take out joints. Like many first time mommies I thought I would have plenty of energy to handle the baby, keep the house in order and cook dinner every night. Face it. You're going to be ordering delivery 4 nights a week. Pizza at your door in 30 minutes is far more appealing after getting 25 minutes of sleep the night before.
7. A bouncer/Jumperoo/Johnny Jump Up type thing. Also known as an Instant Baby Containment System. This is on many registries. DON'T IGNORE IT. If I need a shower, or to pee BY MYSELF, or to quickly mop up/steam clean whatever bodily fluid is currently on the couch, or five minutes to make an extremely strong drink, plop them in the jumperoo. Let them bounce around completely contained and unsupervised. Move it in front of the tv for longer effect. Seriously best.baby gear.ever.
Mommy-to-be may not agree with some of the items on this list when baby shower time comes around. Buy them anyways...they'll figure out you were brilliant a few weeks/months into motherhood, surrounded by baby poop and only getting 15 minutes of sleep in 6 days.
In other news today, we mixed it up around here. Usually, I make dinner, Brad cleans up dinner and toys, I clean babies and put them in jammies, Brad makes bottle for Cam and reads stories to Calen. Today I told Brad it would be an interesting idea to switch it up and have him bathe the kids, something fun for them and I'll do all the dirty work downstairs. In reality it was a scam so that he would have to deal with the kids in the tub and I could leisurely clean up dinner and the toys. I had a feeling the tubbie time was going to be a BLAST tonight. I wasn't disappointed.
Within 5 minutes of Brad taking the boys upstairs I hear both of them wailing. Usually Calen loves bathtime. But I knew today would be different. He had a Bandaid on his knee from yesterday. He's terrified of Bandaids, even Cars/Spiderman/Toy Story ones. He thinks they're going to kill him if we peel them off or stick them on. So I knew in the bath today that the Bandaid would come off and his little life would be over. Meanwhile, Cam is extremely hit or miss with baths. Some days he loves it and is splashing and laughing. Other days he's screaming and trying to crawl out and wants nothing to do with his bath. Today, both kids couldn't get out of the bath fast enough. I knew Brad was struggling upstairs, but I found myself chuckling to myself as I quietly scrubbed the dinner pans. By MYSELF. One day of him dealing with screaming monsters instead of me certainly won't kill him. Have fun up there Mr. Mom!
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| Daddy Time = flying around the house in a Tonka Truck bed |
Another thing we usually do in the afternoon is have "daddy" time while I make dinner. Brad entertains the kids and has special time with them so that I can actually prepare a meal without 39281 interruptions. Today, Daddy was just full of good ideas. Like plopping our 10 month old in a Tonka dump truck and driving him full speed around the house (with Calen chasing after him). Of course the boys loved it. And I stopped making dinner to take video. Then he built a house out of blocks, put a "damsel in distress" on top and wailed in a girly voice "saaaaaaave me the house is on FIRE!!!". Calen had to drive his big fire truck (see...it's still cars and trucks) up to the house and "shoot" the little water spouts out of the water cannon (fire trucks apparently come fitted with water CANNONS now instead of hoses. My kind of fire truck. Everything is better with CANNONS) at the house. It was a fun game...especially daddy crying like a little girl.
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| Fireman training |
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