You watch tv. You see those terrible guilt-ridden infomercials with the little skinny African children. They're dirty, shivering, staring at the camera with eyes filled with tears while some old fat American voice begs you to "please feed this child." Only 80 cents a day will give this starving child a satisfying and healthy meal.
My almost-three year old wouldn't eat said meal if I PAID him 80 cents a day. Probably even if he was as starving as the little African boy on tv.
Unless I offer him one of the Standard Toddler Staples:
- Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich (cut in half or fourths)
- Chicken Nuggets (with ketchup)
- Spaghetti
- Pancakes (with syrup)
- Cheerios (with milk)
- Cut fruit of any kind, but especially apples, bananas, grapes
- Pickles
- String Cheese
- Pizza
- Cheeseburgers
If any of these things appear on his plate, he'll eat them. He'll eat them all and then ask for more. But if I dare to put anything that isn't on that list on his plate, even a sectional plate that isn't touching any of the Holy Toddler Food, he is pissed, devastated, and won't touch anything on his plate. He'll just sit there, staring at the mystery health crap disgustedly, and screw around in his seat.
Stabbing the table with his fork. Turning his fork into an airplane (and not the kind that delivers food into his mouth either). Or a train. or a car. Telling us stories that we only understand every 8th word to. Staring off into space. Or the wall. Saying "good job Daddy!" when daddy's food is gone. And his is still untouched.
And then, we ask him to take a bite of mystery health food.
FIRST of all, mystery health food usually isn't so alien that it's imported from Arabia. It's like, chicken. That isn't nuggets. (though don't tell him that, we always serve it with ketchup and call it "nuggets" so that he'll attempt to eat it). Or, a carrot. Or...pasta that doesn't have red sauce.
Quick. Call poison control.
Some days, Calen does better than others. He'll shock us and take a bite of carrot. Or shovel a spoonful of rice. It doesn't happen too often.
And when it does we throw a ticker tape parade right there at the dinner table. Congratulating him like he just won a chess tournament or made the Dean's List.
Yeah I've looked at all those web pages and blogs and whatever made by those rocket scientist moms that blends full servings of okra and kale in mashed potatoes. I guess I could try it. Mainly I'm lazy. And I'm also not interested in starting that habit so that I'm making my 14 year old spaghetti with spinach blended into the sauce. So we force him to eat one bite per mystery health food item per meal.
We are terrible, abusive parents.
Today dinnertime was right out of an episode of Supernanny (BEFORE the nanny comes and tames the wild children into decent members of society). Camden was already done with dinner and was crawling under the table munching on food Calen was dropping. (and we didn't stop him). Calen wouldn't eat.a.single.bite of food. Even though it had ketchup and had pasta and there wasn't a single vegetable within 20 feet of his plate. He was talking and singing to himself, attempting to look anywhere other than his plate, violently stabbing his food (but not eating it), etc. It took forever to get him to ingest 4 bites of food. Then we finally gave up and said "forget it" and let him down to play.
Kid - 1, Parent - 0
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| Calen doing anything but eating, daddy wishing his water was beer. |
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