Resorting to Walmart

Cape May is a resort town. People who "resort" here don't need essential life basics. Like department stores. Or full size grocery stores. Or chain restaurants. Instead, we have hotels. And local overpriced restaurants. And gift shops. 

The nearest neighboring town also does not have any of these life basics because it is in too close proximity to the "resort." 

At least that's the conclusion I've come to. Or since it's still New Jersey it can't have anything NORMAL, I'm not sure which. But that's pretty much what is going on in our neighbor city, Rio Grande.

Rio Grande is a stupid name. There is no river. There is nothing big. It's just a dumpy town with a toll to enter that prides itself on Shoprite (only the most chaotic WORST grocery store ever) and Walmart (not even a Super Walmart!). 

So I "resort" to Walmart. Okay so it has a department store. IF you consider Walmart a department store. It also has a Kmart but the Kmart looks like it's going to collapse if too many pigeons land on the roof. So, unless we want to drive 40 minutes north to REAL stores like Target (don't think I don't do it either), we go to Walmart. 

Our Walmart is appropriately located directly across the street from a skanky trailer park and an equally skanky motel. 

In between the two is a small cemetery. I couldn't make this up.


Back in my holier-than-thou days in Seattle, I would NEVER step foot in a WALMART. #1 - walking into one exposes you to more diseases than your local STD clinic. 

#2 - ever go to the website People of Walmart? It's real. That's REALLY how people dress there. So unless you are really itching to see a man wearing fish nets and purple hot pants, I would avoid it.

Unless you HAVE to go into Walmart (like I do, because I can't justify $50 in gas to go to Target), in that case, I wouldn't recommend making eye contact with anyone. Better to just close your eyes and use your cart to ram your way through the store. 

Personally I like to dress up to go into Walmart. I wear jeans, brush my hair and put on a bra. I know I'm pretty overdressed as far as Walmart standards go, but it's a self-confidence booster when you are the best kept person in an entire store.

I make my kids dress too. I clearly am too strict a parent. My kids are usually the ones that have clothes on and not pajamas. At 1 o'clock in the afternoon. And their faces are clean. And they aren't allowed to run wild in neighboring aisles launching large bouncy balls at old ladies. Okay, so only one of them can walk at this point. But IF he could walk, he wouldn't be. I have outrageous standards. CPS will be after me soon. 

Today Camden got an adorable dinosaur hat in the mail that my mom made for him. It's too small but we wore it anyways. Into Walmart. Which is completely acceptable for a 10 month old to wear a dinosaur hat on any occasion.  But ESPECIALLY in Walmart. He was one of them there. He fit in with the 15 year old boys wearing Angry Birds nordic hats and that one girl with the creepy koala bear hoodie that announced that she "wishes she had a dinosaur hat like that and that she'd wear it EVERYWHERE!"


I know I KNOW, I made eye contact! Shit! Time to quickly dive into the shoe aisle and escape creepy koala girl.

Tell me that isn't the most awesome hat you've ever seen. It even has beady little dinosaur eyes.

Not that I wouldn't totally rock a dinosaur hat as a grown adult. Just not everywhere. Especially in public. Unless I'm drinking. Then I'm totally game. 

I like to play the "check out" game when I'm ready to pay. I usually walk past all the check out lanes at least once, mentally assessing the cashiers. NEVER choose the old men. They are either cranky or creepy. Or the teenage girls. They are too busy texting in the middle of your order. And calling over the hot bagger to "help" her get 3 items into a bag. Ugh, spare me. 

I go for the middle aged women with faces that look like fruit leather snacks. They're quick because they want their smoke break. They don't care if you double coupon because they have 4 grown kids and understand that young parents really do NEED an extra $2 off that pack of fruit snacks. They also almost always have override keys. And they make you proud because they ooze and coo all over your kids and make you truly believe that your kids ARE the cutest things that have ever passed this checkout lane.


Because they are, obviously.

One more pic of the hat, because I just can't get over how cute it is.

Note: there are no pictures of Walmart. I do not take my camera to Walmart. Mainly because I'm pretty sure someone will steal it and sell it for heroine.

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