Why I never step into Disney Stores

We went to Olive Garden today with friends. (Why did I actually believe that going to a restaurant with my two kids was a GOOD idea??). Their lunch menu has pictures. I like pictures. It makes things look delicious. And I don't have to read stupid names for menu items and then stutter over them when the waiter asks what I'm going to have. Usually I forget what the name is by the time the waiter gets to me because I'm busy keeping my 10 month old from stuffing 27 packs of sweetener in his mouth and my 2 year old from stabbing the table with a fork. So I can just show them a menu and point to a pretty picture and say THIS one. My friends think I'm ridiculous. I think I'm smarter than them. Or at least sound smarter than if I actually tried to pronounce half of the names on that menu. And then I asked the waiter for a spoon. I was not having soup, I wanted something that was shiny and not sharp for my impatient infant to chew on and bang his entire environment with. The waiter asked if a plastic spoon would suffice, and I said NO, it HAD to be metal, and shiny, and LOUD when banged with. Who cares if Cam annoys the entire restaurant with his drumming skills, he wasn't screaming and I could actually eat my lunch. Success. That poor waiter had no idea what he was getting into serving us three stay-at-home-moms.

I looooooooove you my dear friend! If you make fun of me on Facebook I get to make fun of you in my blog. Less people see the blog, I promise. And you're probably smarter than me. 

Beforehand we went to the Disney Store. I don't take my kids into the Disney Store. It's hazardous to their health. And my bank account. Especially the movie Cars section. And Toy Story.

Usually we don't even step foot into that store to prevent catastrophic meltdowns. But today was a special day, and Calen's buddy Mason was letting him pick something out for his early birthday present (with Mason's mom's permission...Mason didn't steal her credit card or anything). Calen picked out some $15 collection of Cars 2 cars. And he was happy. And I was happy. And in the clear...I was going to get out of that store without paying a dime. YES. Until he walked up towards the cashier, and the section behind him was all Spiderman. 

First of all, Calen is newly educated to Spiderman and all his webby awesomeness. So he officially has decided that Spidey is "cool." And here is a Spiderman section. Action figures, masks, clothes, everything. And right along side all of this is Iron Man and Captain America, and all sorts of other coolness.

Second of all, WHAT is Marvel licensed stuff doing in a Disney Store is beyond me. But suddenly Calen HAS.TO.HAVE a little stuffed Spidey. And at first I'm like "you are clearly out of your mind" but then those beady little eyes are so cute in a "Buy Me Please Give Me a Home I'm an Orphan!" kind of way that I'm like okay FINE, and get a Captain America one as well for Cam. (Hey, it WAS 2 for $20. Yeah, you read that right. THAT's how expensive the Disney Store is). And everyone was happy again. Except my wallet. Goddamn Disney Store.

But I already had a plan with these little Marvel guys. They weren't going to stick around. Calen was so wrapped up in his new Cars cars that by the time we got into the house he had forgotten about them. He was DESPERATE to get those stupid cars out of the box.

Okay we need to talk about the box. I understand that shoplifting is a real problem. I worked in Loss Prevention for 2 years. The little plastic thingys to keep toys attached to boxes are infuriating. But THIS box takes the Gold Medal of manic-extremist-shoplifting-preventative-apparatuses. Each car was SCREWED into the box with METAL screws. Two screws each, which required a teeny tiny Phillips screwdriver. I kid.you.not. Calen wanted those cars out NOW in the mall. I don't walk around with a screwdriver in my diaper bag. Sorry Tim Allen. We stopped at a watch repair booth. Wrong size. A jewlery store. No luck. I'm tearing the cardboard around the cars apart. I looked like a savage desperate housewife on cocaine trying to get those stupid cars out. I told Calen he'd have to wait until we got home. Which of course ensued a 45 minute drive from Disney Store to home listening to Calen insisting that I "fix cars need help PUHLEEZE". And once I DID get it home it took me 30 MINUTES to unscrew each car out of the box, and was as frustrating and challenging as redoing the plumbing in our kitchen would be. Mind-effing-boggling.

So let's get back to Spidey and Capt-Am. Once Calen got his Cars cars I snuck upstairs with our new superhero friends, gave them a wink, and heaved them in the closet and slammed the door. In less than 24 hours, they will be completely forgotten. Until Easter rolls around in a month, when each boy will be delightfully surprised by a superhero in their basket that is completely NEW and awesome. Even though it isn't new, but they can't remember that. Calen MIGHT be like "oh hey Spid-er-man there he is!" but Cam won't have a clue. A winner is me!

I've done this with SO many toys. For example, the superhero cape that Calen wore around yesterday. He got it for Christmas. And didn't care. So I put it back in our closet for future "rainy-day-and-we-need-something-interesting-and-new-STAT" references, or holidays. The kids open something up moderately interesting, they like it but it isn't mission critical in their life right then, so we sweep it up and hide it for the next time. It'll be new to them. Again.

See? Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.  

The good news is that once Spiderman comes back a month from now, I can stop kissing that stupid wooden ambulance toy goodnight and move on to Spidey. It's more socially acceptable to smooch superheroes goodnight than vehicles. 

 

How could YOU say no to these pitiful little orphans? We'll see you again in a month - have fun in the closet! (not THAT kind of fun...)

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